upfront magazine
I SAW YOU
"I saw you" is a community bulletin board. It allows you, the reader, to air grievances, poke fun, ridicule, antagonize, act as social activist, find love, reveal secrets and announce personal failures. We at Upfront encourage you to participate and look forward to your self righteous ramblings.

THE ARCHIVES
In chronological order, with most recent first.

When: October
Where: The Dom
Yo the asshole who stole my brand new Osprey backpack can you just bring my glasses back i am poor and can't see.

When: all the time
Where: in one too many places
I see you everywhere. On every other street corner, buses, pubs and coffee shops looking used and dirty. You sit there enticingly waiting to be picked up. And every time, for years, I pick you up with hope and anticipation. And every time I open you up, I ask myself "what that's smell?!". Oh right, it's the piece of shit free newspaper known as the Ottawa Xpress. Why do I keep picking you up when you stink so badly? Maybe it's because every other city in Canada has a decent paper. Maybe you need to be bitchslapped by the upfronters to produce anything worthy, anything!! Stop wasting precious space. Baby trees are crying for you to stop.

When: Sat Nov. 7th
Where: in our home
I saw you in our apartment..I was youtubing Fiest you were emailing your boss..can we go to bed and cuddle? I like you a lot..

When: the past 6 months
Where: Manotick
Sometimes i think i don't deserve you. i love you so much its 'stupid'. big hands, i know you're the one. (even if you have a girl name)

When: November 9th 2009
Where: November issue
People bragging about sex in Upfront? NEVER! Speaking of amateur, talk about a case of Pot v. Kettle, posting on I Saw You to slam ones sexual ability is so banal and unoriginal, I'm surprised you didn't finish that off by calling me a fag after.
Tell you what, just for you I'm going to try and post about my sexual conquests every month. Just for you sweet pea. Since you love them ever so much.
So last night I got what I could only describe as The Hand Job of Tomorrow (!) Quite possibly the most epic hand job ever. Quite the mess. BTW: Cum in hair = pain in the ass to comb out.
Just thought I'd share buttercup. See you next month!
xoxo

When: Early November
Where: Le Loft - Elgin Street
I had heard about you the night before, someone had been singing your praises. You looked so clean cut, I never would have thought you were a rockstar. We chatted and laughed unconventionally, making the most of the evening and everything it had to offer. The next evening, we danced all night and binged on junk food + poutine. It might have been the box of wine or when you swept me off my feet, but it made me smile and soft inside. December 12th 2009 will be the grand re-opening of the place were we first met, maybe I'll see you there...only time will tell.

When: Everyday
Where: Bayshore and environs
I saw you being the best girlfriend you could be. You never try too hard to impress me, and that itself impresses me. You are lovely and I'd like to make you my wife. LOVE!

When: Nov 14th
Where: F&S
I saw you turning groups people away at 11 saying it was a slow night, wanting to finish early. shouting to us from the bar telling us we had a minute left to finish our drink. I saw you keeping people from a nice cold beer on a saturday night cause you didn't want to be at work. I once enjoyed the atmosphere there... No more.

When: Halloween Night
Where: On the Street
I saw you on the street dressed as referee, a dude and a fairy, you all were clearly intoxicated and yelling various profanities. Next time please show some self control... Or not you were very amusing :)

When: Halloween Night
Where: On the Street
I saw you on the street dressed as referee, a dude and a fairy, you all were clearly intoxicated and various profanities.

When: November
Where: Elgin St. on the way to work
Smiled at me as you passed. You're basically the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I nearly had a simultaneous stroke & accident in my pants. I hope we meet again so we can totally fall in love & bang that shit retarded

When: End of August
Where: Atomic Rooster at a Rock'n'roll pizza party night
You asked me to pick up somebody for you but instead we ended up talking for awhile. You were cool and kinda hot with your curly red hair. All I know is that you're 28 yrs old and your name is Danielle. I was going to ask for your phone number when one of your friend picked you up to leave (it was like 1:30 am). You should come more often to the pizza party.
When: Just now
Where: On the editorial page of The Upfront
Nice one. Did it make you feel a little better, being self righteous for a moment? Did you lose sight of the redeeming value of sarcasm and the freedom to chuckle at our folly? I enjoy your cynical commentary for the most part, but don't delude yourself, the results of your bold experiment are not a radical revelation, and they aren't morbid, as you imply. Now let's keep the grievances, fun poking, ridiculing, antagonism , activism,lovequesting, and personal failures coming!! Pay no mind to the editor's flatulent conscience!

When: Every Month
Where: Boldly going where no editor goes on the front page of this great magazine
I couldn't agree with this months editorial more. I saw you reminds me of the lord of the flies. You cant just hand the conch to any embittered idiot without getting the whole group dragged in the muck. I call for censorship, no more degenerate I saw yous. Hurrah Ruston, and hurrah to the non degenerates. A hard rain is coming, and its going to wash the scum off the streets of O town, and its name is hurricane Ruston, bitches!

When: everyday
Where: everywhere
I love you to a frightening degree. Too bad you are so emotional fucked that you can't let yourself love me back. bitch.

When: All the time
Where: The world wide interweb
When I lived in Ottawa I let you have (bad) sex with me because I wanted to up my musician number. Now living not- in-Ottawa I read your blog and laugh at how you pile clichéd pretension onto clichéd pretension. Scatting? Drug 'experiences'? Zines? Longboarding? Yoga? Modelling? Really? I am SO glad I met you. You make me and my pals lol-gasm all the time. (I especially like the one where you ‘heal’ the hobo.)
x x

When: Nov 11
Where: the 95 Baseline
You came on the bus with your walking stick and little portable boombox, blasting gay assrap, took a drink from your pathetic flask, then started putting together your pipe to smoke weed, just as 15 boyscouts got on the bus. Who do you think you are? You live in Ottawa buddy, and you’re ugly as fuck. Give up the dream and get a job.

When: Nov 15th
Preston Starbucks toilets.
I saw your reflection on the floor, wiping your hairy pussy. I’d like to snack on that hairy pussy for sure.

When: November
Where: every grocery store
Maybe you should ask someone, or learn how to read, or just not be a fuckin cheapskate, instead of holding up the whole checkout line over a 2 dollar difference.

When: a month ago
Where: Our home
I saw you walk out the door in the night. Little did I know it would be a year until we meet again. You are my love, and my heart aches to see you hurt. My life seems in a pause to be near. Know you are missed and that I am yours forever.
When: December 1st
Where: The 1 Bus
I saw you with some stupid fucking tattoo on your neck rocking out to really shitty music on your ipod. Well it was way too fucking loud and it was polluting my personal space. I had to get up and get away from you before I hit you. Next time have some respect for those around you and turn it down one notch.

When: November 15th
Where: Orleans
I saw you working at one of those carbon copy bars, in a carbon copy mall with a carbon copy tattoo of barbed wire around your arm. I just want to say that you are the very embodiment of Orleans.

When: December 1st
Where: Liquor Store(Glebe)
I saw you kind of rolling your eyes at me while I fumbled through my wallet to find cash. I apologize for inconveniencing only you, as there was nobody else in line. We all have bad days, I'm the first to understand that, but cmon it was like three seconds gimme a fucking break. I'll remember not to stick up for you in conversation the next time you guys strike. It's not my fault the LCBO doesn't make people full time, or is it? fin

When: Oct. 5th
Where: Stony Swamp
Went for a hike and saw you. You're the 8 point buck that keeps trying to get me killed on my motorbike. Everyone thinks I'm crazy, but I know you know what you're doing.

When: October 9, 2009
Where: At my top secret government call centre job answering annoying calls from you: The general population
Dear general public:
The next time you call a government call centre please do us all a big favour and learn some phone etiquette? Here's some tips:
1.) Start with "Hello, my name is _____" instead of blurting out an account number, or some asinine comment about how my greeting is "quite the mouthful" I'll show you a mouthful, my fist fits in yours quite nicely.
2.) Please refrain from eating while you are talking to us. It's bad enough most of you are fat enough to be out of breath doing something as simple as lifting up the phone and talking, the added combination of you smacking on a Sloppy Joe is not making you seem even less appealing.
3.) Before you call us, READ THE FUCKING LETTER/FORM YOU HAVE IN FRONT OF YOU! If you can't understand it, I recommend you either buy a dictionary or go back to school and learn basic English or French reading skills.
4.) Not a request, but more of an observation, usually when you are blaming us, 9 times out of 10 it's because you fucked up (See number 3 above)
5.) Before you start calling people for help, learn some basic communication skills. IE: Be more specific when you're talking to us, telling me that you got a form doesn't tell me much. The government has MILLIONS of forms, you might want to narrow it down a bit.
6.) PEN AND PAPER! BY THE PHONE! HAVE IT THERE! TAKE NOTES!

7.) If you're calling me four times a day to clarify something, you may want to work on those listening skills, and/or follow number 6 above.
8.) Fire your accountant.
Thank you.
PS: Darling, the length of time you can have a running conversation in Upfront each month is officially three. Man that was a good gig while it lasted.

When: Saturday Night
Where: Lieutenant's Pump
I saw you, 10 or 15 off-duty cops. Your collective IQ must have been 107. You had the decorum of a college fraternity. I do not respect your authority, after all, clearly neither do you.

When: October 5
Where: Stone Faced Dolly's
You were cooking. You're cute, and I wanted to let you know. We've had some strange otherworldly squabbles over this past year, but I would like to think that they are all behind us now and hopefully we won't have another one ever again. You smell like Zest soap, and I think we should kiss and make up in the future. I think you're special and I would like to make you dinner.

When: October 6
Where: Louisa Avenue
You didn't see me, but I walked by your apartment on my way to a gardening project. I have a crush on you, and because I don't want it to be a crushing crush, I don't talk to you cause I'm nervous and my knees get shakey. I hope we'll talk one day cause I am in love with your eyes and think you are three superlatives above excellence.

When: Oct. 2
Where: Lieutenant's pump
I saw you at the end of your two-year, semi-failed experiment of moving to Ottawa. You spent an insane amount of that time pretending to everyone that you were happy -- peachy-fucking-keen. And it was all lies and an alcoholic haze. I wish you well my friend. find your way.

When: October 17th, night
Where: George St and Dalhousie; market
You drunk (at least I hope you were for humanity's sake) douchebags drove past me as I was biking home and splashed me with some white liquid and, laughing, took a picture and drove away. And to think my pants and my coat had just been through a wash...
If you feel any remorse, there is drycleaning to pay for.

When: Oct. 20th
Where: Hunt Club @ Moodie Drive
Again I saw you dart out into the road. You are going to get smoked one day and I'll get to mount your magnificent 10 point rack on my wall.

When: July 2009
Where: Oz Kafe
I saw you in a cheap suite from Moores talking about how you fucked a 15 year old girl while you were working up north. You're a fucking pervert and I hope you choke on your next cOZmo you composted oompa loompa

When: Mondays at 7:25 am
Where: the 171 Bus
I saw you get on the bus all sexylike. I know you know you're in my dreams all night. I like your hair

When: October 8th:
Where: the rideau Centre
You asked my, “Do you work here?” No sir, I’m standing behind this counter, wearing a nametag, holding a paper towel and windex for fun. You ignorant fuck! yes I fucking work here!

When:
Where: Bathroom
I saw you under that hip hair and bad clothes, stuffing your nose with blow. How chic of you, having to hide in a restroom stall to cram that “designer” drug up your nose, sniffing it off a toilet bowl tank lid that’s likely covered in urine and feces, possibly even semen and pussyjuice. Cocaine; a classy drug for classy people.

When: the other day
Where: at home
I saw you being the cutest roommate alive. I love you Steph


When: October 26th
Where: Mayflower's
I saw you, peripherally... sitting with your nibblets and tea with your elderly mother who looked like she had no choice but to listen to your pietistic babbling. That story about how that man with a medical condition inconvenienced you... wow, and to think you just came from Church, you tight assed hemorrhoid queen.

When: On October 14th
Where: On the 14 bus
Well I've seen you on multiple occasions and you are a CREEP please stop sitting beside me I smiled at you a couple of times just to be nice but tour like 45 years older than me you FUCKING CREEPER!

When: October 29th
Where: Oz Kafe
I saw you leaning against me at the bar, totally invading my personal space wearing your stupid little black chef's hat dealeo. It wouldn't bother me in the least had this been the first time but it's like the third time this month that you've done it and one of the times I was eating. Now I've been very good since moving to this city and I've almost completely defeated my hatred of people but you just may be the one to find out the hard way that I'm still not a very nice person. Have some fucking respect for those around you.

When: October 29th
Where: Manx Pub
I sat near you and saw you write 0.57 on the tip line for a bill that was over twenty-five dollars. That is a total asshole move. If you have that little respect for servers stay the fuck home and drink.

When: October 25th
Where: Sommerset
I saw you Mr. Officer, drive by a dude that had a massive, clear plastic, bag of weed. You didn't even flinch. Keep up the good work.

When: Last Month
Where: These Pages
I saw you bragging about your sexual endeavours. Total fucking rookie move. What is it your first time? Oh, isn't that fucking cute. Grow up and learn that you'll get a lot more pussy if you just shut your fucking mouth.

When: Thanksgiving
Where: Nowhere
About five years ago we did this very thing. Neither of us called the other then and neither of us called each other this time. See ya in five more years?

When: October 27th
Where: 14 Bus
I saw you talking to me and I know this sounds base and probably offensive but boyfriend or no boyfriend you came very close to getting fucked. Just a warning that our constant flirtation will eventually have consequences.

When: October 1st
Where: In the market
I saw you ignoring the fact that for about five minutes I thought it was April Fools' Day. Would you believe it was all because of a hangover? Anyway thanks for letting me off the hook on that one. You would think I would have been tipped off by the presence of the word "April" in the title. Anyway sorry and thankyou.

When: today
Where: outside
Why were you looking at me like that? Shit, one day I'm gonna talk to you but right now I'm too scared. I like you a lot though.

When: Today
Where: looking across the street through my living room window
I miss you.

When: Sept. 7
Where: Your house
I saw (and heard!) you complain about how lame Green Day is when we were watching Muchmusic and the video for 21 Guns came on. Little did you know that later when I borrowed your ipod to go jogging did I find that all the "Untitled Tracks" were off of American Idiot. BUSTED!

When: this months issue
Where RE: cooking at blackcat
Whoever wrote that about Vardy at the blackcat is an asshole. And the fact that you guys published it shows Ottawa that your assholes too. He is a great man with many talents and and no one needs to hear your shit ass opinion. Why didnt you leave your name? weak jealous asshole! Whats wrong with Ottawa having successful people? And why the fuck do people read these shit magazines? trashing people and being morons? lifes short and you waste it on this crap? fuck off. Sarah Perez

When: septemeber 11
Where: STO bus on ride home
I saw you, more like heard you chewing on that piece of fucking gum with your mouth open!Jesus people were you raised by cows?! it's bad enough we have to put up with you idiots having pointless conversations on your phones. Now we have to put up with a new breed who can't keep thier fucking mouth shut while chewing! Didn't your mother ever teach any of you people MANORS?!!!!

When: multiple times
Where: every scenster venue in ottawa
I've seen you at every show i've been to in the last 5 months wearing your trendy cardiagns and v-necks or anything plaid-ish, maybe you should come up and say hi...i think we could be good friends
p.s. let's fuck.

When: a couple nights ago
Where: on your balcony on the corner of bank and maclaren
I saw you looking buff in your red flannel looking hot as shit, i just want you to know if you're in to bondage and gay porn. i'm your man.

When: September 19 2009
Where: Centretown
I saw you, gemini, turn into a crazy lunatic while you wished a curse upon my family, friends, and myself. i saw you acting out all of the behaviours you despise and critisize in other people. i see you go to work everyday and pretend to be a groovy dude when, in reality, you are severly ill in your head and too far gone to realize it. its all just fine and dandy though. because i'm freeeeee!! you said nothing was holding me there and you were right. nothing will pull me back there either. see ya dum dum.

When: September 16th
Where: Experimental Farm
I Saw you hit a bicycler with your car and shake your head. You hit him you moron. niki-dar

When: September 6th:
Where: Zaphod’s
I saw you at Zaphods, you little snotty nosed knowitall law student / grad telling the doorman that he coulkdn;t touch you or tell you to leave at 2:30am. Get off your high horse and grow a pair you fag; flaunting your law degree only magnifies your weakness. Queer


When: Fall
Where: 14 Bus
I saw your notice written in your pathetic chicken scratch, sharpie on metal, telling people that they must ask for a transfer. I was having a bad morning and I had my headphones on full, so I did not ask for a transfer, but merely held my hand waiting. You made me hold up the line, refusing to give me my transfer until I asked and said please. I didn't even need the fucking transfer, I'm just secretly afraid of the OC transpo police. Fuck you.

When: just now
Where: Somerset
I saw you...or rather I wish I had, while you were stealing my bike on Somerset street. Please drop the part of my soul that was attached to my bike off in any mailbox so I can get that back, jerk. You ruined my week.

When September 6th:
Where: The Dom
I saw you, Jon Moore, trying to give me casual anal under the table at the Dom. Not cool bro.

When: September 5th
Where: ?
I saw you ‘Veronoca-who-writes-for-this-paper tensing your sphincter and not letting me push my full shaft into your ass. Shame on you.


When: 101 Week
Where: Thompson Residence
You’re the dumb highschool girls who still think they’re the shit. Watch your back and wear a condom. I’ll be the one waving when you drop out.

When: August 30th
Where: The Hyatt on King St. in Toronto
This was a change from Ohio. I had fun.
...shit I fail at haikus... it was cute when you turned on the TV to block the noise and it was Conan’s opening monologue. What do you think was worse for them? The coitus or the laughs? We won’t just have Ohio now, but Toronto also. Wish you were also

When: Every Visit
Where: Umi Cafe
Umi employees, why do you always seem so spaced out and high? I don't ask for difficult orders or ask weird questions and I speak clearly and loud enough that normal people hear me. Why regardless of who is working do I always get such erratic and odd behaviour? At first I thought there must be something in the air like carbon monoxide poisoning, but when my friends and I hang out there we're somehow miraculously protected.
Please stop living off of ganja and cigarettes you guys are going to grow brain tumours or something!

When: September 26th
Where: Elgin St.
I saw you for the first time in about six years. It was great to catch up and your kids are great. You seem to be doing well for yourself as I always knew you would. Well it was either well or jail.

When: September 24th
Where: Sommerset and Bronson
I saw you and we had a quick conversation. You have no idea but something you said in the conversation absolutely devastated me. God I hope you couldn't see the pain on my face it would have been frightening for you.

When: September 27th
Where: Murray Street
I saw you open up a bottle of champagne and it exploded all over your face. I felt bad for a second but God that was funny.


When: September 21st
Where: Lieutenant's Pump
I saw you having a beer sitting across from me. We were having a good conversation yet my mind was elsewhere. I could not stop thinking about someone from my past.

When: September 25th
Where: In an email
You emailed me and almost in passing told me that your cat had died. How dare you? I loved that fucking cat and I should have known sooner.

When: September 24th
Where: Leaving
You have moved away now and I would just like to thank you for being a wonderful friend with an unbelievable capacity for forgiveness and kindness. I wish you luck and bid a fond adieu.

When: September 27th
Where: The Dominion
We were sitting and having a drink when I realized I'm a bit too hard on you. You're a good friend who is probably all too often the butt of my jokes. I'll try to be nicer in the future you waste of skin.


When: September 27th
Where: Pubwell's
I saw you at Pubwell's and I think you accidentally some how became a contest. Sorry.

When: September 8th
Where: Kardish
I see you all of the time chocolate little snacks. I walk by thee and covet thee yet the state of my gut tells me I can no longer eat thee. It fucking sucks getting old and out of shape and having to opt for fucking granola. God it's gay.

When: September 4th
Where: Glebe
You were with your mom having a conversation about meeting boring men. Whatever you do don't "settle" and regret it for the rest of your life.

When: September 29th
Where: My basement
I saw you put that letter “C” wood block in your mouth. I asked you what you were doing and you replied, “Yaya Ouuu Baba ggigigi Ayyyy ouweeee.

When: August
Where: Dominion
Thanks for the dead cat. I had it stuffed and it's hanging on my bedroom wall with my roadkill collection. Thanks a bunch, Hope to be surly again!!!!

When: Evening
Where: On the Phone
You called for the sole purpose of sharing some thrilling information about the new type of muffin you tasted today. I need to let you know, that is not important news. In fact, that is not news at all.
For the love of god get out of your house and do something with your life. Rebellion could be the best thing that ever happened to you and my telephone bill.

When: Upon reading Issue #36
Where: Dom
You dislike a "coke-bloated face, drunken mouth, fat arse and vicious liar"? At least I'm not from the shallow end of the gene pool.
So long, farewell and find another bar fucker!!

When: August 20th, 2009
Where: In Ohio ... while masturbating ...
but you did not see
me - watching you,
while my hands
slowly danced across
the keys, breathing hard -
wishing you were here


When: August
Where: Dominion
Thanks for the dead cat. I've had it stuffed and it's now hanging on my bedroom wall with my collection of roadkill.
Thanks!

When: Mid-August
Where: Centretown
It seems to me that if you really want to be a successful panhandler you shouldn't scream obscenities at people who refuse to give you money. It makes the people behind them less inclined to donate to your cause. Just a friendly tip my friend. Also you got the crazy eyes down pat.

When: Most evenings
Where: In the byward market
We see you walking your little dog Lex Luther, pretending to be one of those friendly elected official types who fought the law and won, but you don't fool us for a minute.You may feel like a rock star, but we know you are an evil super villain.

When: August 19th
Where: The Lafayette
You were the two wasted french guys who were having way too much fun. One minute you looked like you were going to fight each other, the next it seemed like you two would make love right there. Watching you dance in your steel toed work boots was making me seasick.I was just trying to enjoy the John Carroll show with my friends,but you guys were way too distracting. Next time don't drink so much listerine before you go out.

When: two weeks ago
Where: cooking at the Black Cat
I saw you with your hipster douchebag tattoos, acting all cocky...you think that because you're good at one thing, it entitles you to be an arrogant prick, a abuser of women, and an all around twat. Why don't you go back to Nfld and stay there? Everyone knows you're gay, so why are you trying to conceal it? Douchebag.

When: August 28th
Where: On Hwy 417
I saw you in your navy Cooper Mini with a Michael Owen Liverpool scarf in your back window. I hope that you just happen to like Owen a lot and that you aren't a Liverpool supporter, because otherwise you are kind of a tool. Either way, you might want to consider updating your merchandise!

When: August 22
Where: Pancho Villa
I saw you Mr. 3oz Strawberry Daiquiri. You were deceitful yet delicious and I blame you for my diabetes. The good thing though is that I no longer blame you for he herpes, as it turns out, those were tequila's fault.

When: Early August
Where: Chapters
You were perusing the Oprah endorsed self-help catalogue. I suppose you're looking to make improvements in what must be a fairly miserable existence. Instead of lining the pockets of one of these swift-solution peddlers might I suggest that you stop watching Oprah for Christ's sake!

When: August 25
Where: The Ex
I saw you with your child on a leash! Really? It is just you and your three year old at the Ex and the only way you can keep track of her is a leash? And that wasn't the most disturbing thing. It was 2pm on a Tuesday and your get-up screamed unemployed white trash yet you were lugging around, along with your shackled child, a Blackberry. What could you possibly have to stay that on top of? Is it feeding you Bingo schedules? I'll give you this though you didn't seem nearly as boring as most people that carry those fucking things. I mean the Blackberry not the dwarf prisoner.


When: August 25
Where: Irene's Pub
I overheard a conversation in which you referred to the Afghan Parliament as Thunderdome and I'm still laughing about it.

When: August 17
Where: Slater
I noticed you were wearing a federal government ID badge on the piece of cloth you've convinced yourself was a skirt. I'm curious as to which department makes a point of hiring peelers to do secretarial work and are you accepting resumes?

When: August 23
Where: Moon Room
I saw the two of them at the Moon Room. He looked like a serial killer and she looked like a nice girl that had been shat upon by a Crayola Caddy. They make a nice couple.

When: August 22
Where: Dominion
I saw you with a group of friends sitting in the rain and struggling to pretend they were interesting. Do yourself a favour and stop looking for something that's not there. Novelty costume does not necessarily translate to novel conversation.

When: August 27
Where: Outside
I saw you, Mother Nature, fucking with the weather. I don't know if it is summer, fall or malaria.

When: The Last Two Months
Where: Preston St.
In the last two months I've seen you dig and fill in the same hole three times. What is the purpose? This does answer my initial question which was: What the fuck is taking so long?

When: Aug. 25
Where: The Ex
I saw you operating a spinning tea cup ride that looked like it might have been held together by packing tape and crossed fingers. I was wondering what part of your extensive training allows you to qualify a fresh coat of paint as proper maintenance?

When: August 31
Where: 95 Bus
I saw you shouting out stops in an almost comical fashion. You even went so far as to say that people should prepare to run for the O-train. Whether you were trying to be funny or not it made for an entertaining ride.

When: August 31, 2009
Where: Booth and Primrose
I saw you walking down the street with your boyfriend. The two of you looked to be a combined age of thirty-five and you had a two year old in a stroller. Now I'm not judging you by your manor of shouting at your child or your tacky neck tattoo but something tells me that adoption would have been a better option. Kids should not have kids but you never know, it's not too late. Giving the baby up for adoption before the hillbilly heroin bust might be a great idea. Beat child services to the punch will ya?

When: Beginning of August
Where: Almonte
I saw you with a little dog that looked like it arrived on a space ship sticking out of your purse. After much debate I still can't figure out which one of you disgusts me more.
When: Last Thursday
Where: The Dom
You were shuffling around the bar in overalls and a bad haircut. You also had glasses that were so big they looked as though they'd been pulled from industrial safety gear. Even if they were prescription (I doubt they were) you still look like a blithering idiot.

When: August 29th
Where: Maxwell's
You commented to your friend that the soundtrack was so retro and how neat it was. I've got some news for you young girls: it wasn't eighties night, it was fourties night.

When: September 1st
Where: Experimental Farm
You were in a grey minivan plowing down one of the many cyclist and jogger filled side streets, like you were racing in NASCAR. You fucking dipshit. Slow the fuck down. You want ti kill someone? I’ll be on my bike, on the same street every morning, and if you go through there again at high speeds, I’m going to hurl a tire iron throgh your fuckin window. Donkey.

When: Canada day
Where: your house
Sitting in your chair mocking the people you invited over. it wasn't very nice. that is why i slighted you when you made fun of my buddy. keep your stick on the ice, 'friend'.

When: June 14th, 2009
Where: The parking lot of the Red Roof Inn, Independence, Ohio
I wave good-bye as you pull away with Squatchie, and I can't help but feel a strong sense of loss. What an adventure full of strange food, Sam Raimi, and of course getting my fill of meandering Americans. I feel a little tickle in my left eye, and try to convince myself that I just have dust in my eye -- but I know I'm full of shit.
I have to go back to the doldrums: Work. Life. Tedium. And wish I didn't have to. Accepting my lot in life, I take a deep breath and mutter "and here we go." and can't help but burst out laughing.
PS: Can I get my Upfront Magazine back? J.K.

When: Sunday
Where: The Dom
I saw your surly face behind the bar and i fell in love with you. Did you get the dead cat i sent you? It expresses my devotion to you.
love u 4 evah
your secret admirer
p.s. i'm watching you right now
When: Sunday
Where: The Dom
I saw you serving beers on Sunday afternoon in a most polite and friendly manner. How do you get your hair to do that?

When: July 11th
Where: At Work
I saw you Mr. Ice cream cake tempting me and eventually disappearing down my gullet. Stay away from me… you are turning abs into flabs.

When: lots of times over the last months
Where: The Dominion Tavern
You're always whining about how your boyfriend dumped you and how you are going to punish him by siccing the cops on him. So, do you think he dumped you because of your coke-bloated face, your drunken mouth, your fat arse, or perhaps because you are a vicious liar not above destroying someone's life because your feelings are hurt? your parents must be so proud.

When: Early May
Where: In the cleaning bay
I caught you kissing our boss, it broke us up. I approached him, I lose my job...people know. You were seen again same place. Then you drove home in your G6 and him in his Malibu.
When: July 3
Where: 1@@9 B%^k
The quicky in the back of a G6...the rear cameras didn't see you but, the older guy saw you. Your boss is married. you need your job.."ohbh"

When: Early july
Where: Corp party
You have long flowing hair, i think i love. I see you with the same guy every time, you look unhappy with him. I found out he is your boss, you don't need to let him do those things to you. It's just a job, I want to rescue you...life is to short to give yourself away at a "discount"..I will rescue you.

When: Sunday, July 19, 2009
Where: looking across the street through my living room window
You're a neon smiley face freshly painted above Structube on Murray. How could you know, while setting up camp, how much joy you would bring to me, perfectly framed through my window every night as I return home from work? I wonder how many others are able to enjoy your beauty. Do you smile just for me?

When: July 27th
Where: World Exchange
I saw you at the pretzel dog stand thingy not giving a fuck that one fell on the floor, which was funny but it also convinced me that waiting in line for another wasn't a good idea which, in turn, forced me in all my pregnant glory to walk downstairs and eat the shittiest piece of pizza ever. Thanks pretzel dog thingy guy for being such a burnout.

When: too often
Where: ottawa
Yeah, you've got the right clothes and the right friends but your band sucks. oh and your record collection is severely lacking taste and variety. you're not cool.

When: Friday July 29
Where: FIDO Store York St.
I would like to let Ottawa know that I have filed a formal complaint against the FIDO store on York St which involves harassment, verbal abuse and racial slurs. Last night my 2 female friends and I walked to the store with the only purpose of closing down the account due to endless billing issues for long distance services never used. We never thought what we were about to face: 2 men including the manager continuously refused to help us in any way to the extent of kicking out of the store, verbally assaulted us with racial and sexual slurs while 'walking-us-out' directly to the door all this with the store lights off!! We had the called the police. The account was later closed down for good over the phone. We are wondering what would have happened if we were males instead of females

When: August 1st
Where: Scotiabank on Fourth
I saw you looking very anemic which is your usual state of being as you are my bank account.

When: summer 2006
Where: Le Bop
She gave me a wicked full blowjob out back. You didn’t know. You had a super long make-out session with her. Hope she was a good kisser haha.

When: July 30
Where: Rideau
It was me that gawked when you yelled at your 6 year-old son that he could not go in the ‘fuckin toystore’. You are an awful parent.

When: July 30th
Where: Bank and Regent
I saw you swaggering down the street in your work boots wearing red for the troops just because the government told you so. I bet you would suck a cock if Steven Harper or John Baird asked you to you homophobic, ignorant, right wing asshole.

When: August 1st
Where: On Byward
I saw you and you don't seem happy with your personal life. But I'm here to tell you this: at this stage in your life you really shouldn't be, no one is really happy some are just better suited to hide it than others.

When:August 3rd
Where: Woody’s
I saw you, like I do every Monday. I filled my bag with Upfront issues dating back to February. X-Press ain’t got nothing on you guys. Can’t wait for the August issue.

When: July 13th
Where: Cornerstone
I saw you at the Cornerstone or more accurately I felt you at the Cornerstone eavesdropping on our conversation rolling your eyes in some sort of delusional sense of superiority at what was a fun conversation about musical guilty pleasures. There is something totally revolting about teen angst which carries over into mid twenties feelings of superiority based in low self esteem. I do understand why the self esteem issues though.

When: August 3rd
Where: on your front porch in Westboro
I'm not sure when it happened but, rest assured it did: the ship sailed on you wearing nothing but a sports bra and spandex shorts in public.

When: July 13th
Where: Metro
You were checking out my groceries and I couldn't take my eyes off of you. You are on e of the most unique looking humans I've ever seen. You should have been an extra in Braveheart. I don't mean this in a creepy or mean way but in a wow you're different looking, almost other worldly.


When: July 28th
Where: Bus Stop at Isabelle and Bank
I saw you OCTranspo driver slam your doors and take off on someone waiting for the bus just because he was a smoker. That’s a bit discriminatory don’t you think?

When: July 20th
Where: Irene’s patio
I saw you having a smoke and a drink on the patio seeming all uppity and mysterious and thinking you’re hot shit. Just thought I’d be the first to tell you: you’re about a year away from looking like a homeless person.

When: Sunday, August 2nd
Where: Outside Babylon
Based on looks I'd say you we're probably born in 1990, so I'm going to let you in on a little secret: 80s fashions were terrible then and they're just preposterous now. So next time you plan on leaving the house looking like the bastard child of Pat Benatar and Debbie Harry just think twice.

When: Last Saturday
Where: At the pub
I think you were on a date with some guy. I couldn't help but notice that you seemed to think everything was 'bourgeois' or 'derivative.' Wouldn't it just save you a lot of time and the rest of the world a lot of trouble if you just informed people on meeting them that you'd been to grad school?


When: All summer.
Where: Across the city.
I hear the good people of Ottawa doing nothing but complaining about the rain and the lack of summer weather in Ottawa. Do you remember what summer is like in this city? It's 35 humid fucking degrees and the sweat pours off you in buckets, you can't sleep at night, and the smog chokes you like a noose. Just enjoy weather that doesn't freeze hobos or suffocate the elderly for once.

When: Sunday Nights.
Where: Babylon and its environs.
This is an open message to hipsters, scenesters, and fixed-gear bicycle enthusiasts alike. The silly outfits, the 'body art', the love of bands no one has or ever will hear, that's all fine. But for the love of god would you stop wearing fake eyeglasses. It's not like I roll around in a wheelchair for the sake of fashion.

When: July 8th
Where: Atomic Rooster
I saw you stringing someone along, that I know you’re not happy with, strictly because you’re too much of a coward to end it. Grow some balls and end it before they get hurt any more than necessary.

When: August 4th
Where: North Korea
I saw you Bill Clinton, getting shit done


When: 6 June 2009
Where: Chip Truck next to Zaphods
You told my friends and I to stop acting so sophomore. Newsflash!! the only thing that was sophomore that night were your ridiculous tattoos that are going to look gross when you eventually grow up.

When: This Week
Where: McLeod Street
You denied for a week seeing any insects in your apartment when I called the landlord about the bites on my girlfriend.
Gee, then I find ONE bedbug in my apartment and instead of making it easy, you bitch to the landlord saying you can't have your apartment done because of your dog (the one I keep meaning to complain about the barking)and you still haven't see any and your apartment is soooo clean, so it must only be us.
Here's a newsflash, that was my friend who inspected your apartment. He told me just exactly how filthy you both are down there in ground central. He has no doubt you would have known about them if you ever cleaned up since he found them within minutes. So let's see you're either a liar or . . .
Thanks a lot bitch you've cost us a couple hundred in dry cleaning and another eighty on industrial washing our bedding and clothes and we're only half done.
I hope that your cough turns out to be cancer.


When: Sunday, june 7th 3pm
Where: Art in the park, at the stall with the tryptic
I wanted to ask if you'd swing dance to slayer.

When: February
Where: The Men's Room at Finnegans
Actually to be more specific, I smelled you and saw your leavings. Three words: Learn To Flush!

When: Every day of the week
Where: On your laptop
Scrounging for free Wi-Fi at bars that offer up cheap booze You would think that a man in your position (face down, ass up) could afford to pay a surcharge for the internet or full price for a beer at least once a week.
And seriously, who are you trying to fool? Do you think people actually believe you are working on that POS? More than likely you are surfing for something not allowed on the network from your employer - PERV! Get a life and maybe, just maybe, get a real job.

When: June 24
Where: 12 Bus
You got on the bus and chose to sit right near me. I never once looked at your face, but I'd recognize that stupid shirt anywhere. Don't let me see you on the bus again, or I may need to strangle you with that yellow cord. That's what its there for, no?


When: June 14th, 2009
Where: Red Roof Inn, Independence, Ohio
A sheltered Canuck punk brought your wrinkled pages to me - a standard issue, I was told, but your prose ripped me open and tasted faintly of whiskey. Down below, I burn, Upfront - you only make me want to be a better writer.

When: Every Thursday Night
Where: Zaphod’s
I saw you, you fucking bigmouthed poser gangster wannabes. Fucking fags. You guys are so weak with your shitty attitudes and dumb drunk women. I’d get you a present but I wouldn’t know how to wrap a life.

When: Thursday June 18th
Where: The Dom
You are working, and damn. Too bad everyone has a big crush on you as I do, but the butterflies are peachy - M

When: June 19th
Where: Clarence and Parent
You were wearing identical black dresses, with push-up bras and vacant stares on your heavily made-up faces. My friend and I just wanted to know, do your mothers know you go out in public like that?

When: Fairly frequently
Where: Wherever the sidewalks run
You dress in a striped outfit and wear Kleenex boxes for shoes. You're just trying to put the word out about the Prince of Peace. Keep up the good work brother, Ottawa's a funkier place because of it.

When: Thursday last
Where: Irene's Pub
You were cornering anyone who wasn't quick enough to get away, telling them they were in need of the Lord's salvation. Do you not feel that your penchant for the strong stuff might interfere with your missionary activity?

When: June 22nd
Where: Bank Street in the Glebe
You and your friend were walking down the street clad in your Lululemon Athletica, mats over your shoulders. The get-up says you're into fitness and enlightment but the cigarette says you're all business. Well, I'd just to say I dig.

When: A few weeks back
Where: 3rd and Bank
You were playing the accordion for the listening pleasure of the people. A note on listening pleasures if I may: the accordion is, in no way, shape, or form one of those things. In name of all things that make a human life scarcely bearable please cease and desist.

When: Last Saturday
Where: Bridgehead in Ottawa South
We were in line at the coffehouse. You ordered a medium dark roast if I recall, the total came to $1.75. You then went on to choose debit as your method of payment. Debit! Are you kidding me? You've managed to exponentially complicate what should be the simplest transaction in the world. I hope your bank charged you triple for that.

When: For the last week - incessantly
Where: The entire city, country, world, and blogosphere
Everyone I run into is pontificating on the importance of the musical opus and transcendent impact -cultural and spiritual- of the late Michael Jackson. Do you own a Michael Jackson album? When was the last time you intentionally listened to one of his songs? Did you make jokes about him being a paedophile the last time that was de riguer? Just stop pretending you cared and let a sad man have his death with a minimum of hypocrisy.

When: June 17th
Where: Royal Oak
I saw you two arguing about something stupid at the bar. You love eachother so don't sweat the small stuff.

When: June 9th
Where: Manx Pub
I saw you giant bird hanging on the wall, mocking me while I drank.

When: June 16th
Where: Walking down Bronson
I didn't see you but I talked to you on my walk to work. You are my big sister and I miss you. I sometimes think about moving home so I can see you more often but we both know that we'll just take each other for granted if I did.

When: June 29th
Where: On a balcony on Glebe
I saw you for the first time in over a year and for only the second time in about four years. You look spectacular.

When: June 16th
Where: In a haunted cabin
I saw you Mr. Ghost standing over my girlfriend, you should have killed her.

When: June 26th
Where: Pigale's
I saw you puke at the end of the bar. No one else saw but I did.

When: June 30th
Where: Liquor Store
I saw you Miss clerk sneezing all over my bottles of booze. First you threaten to cut me off for some ridiculous amount of time and now you H1N1 my ass.

When: June 14th
Where: Bus station
I saw you come off of the bus looking like you lost a heavyweight boxing match. The dude that was there to meet you seemed to love you nonetheless.

When: June 1st
Where: Bank and Catherine
I was walking behind you when you (dressed in red and white) asked your friend why she had to work on Canada Day. You thought it was Canada Day! That made my day. Fuck I'm still laughing.


When: June 30th
Where: Bank and Fourth
I saw you and I know you are so fucking curious to ask me some personal questions but you refrained. I'm glad you did. If you had asked I'd have broken down.

When: June 27th
Where: Lyon
I saw you walking around, pretending you're a big fucking deal. Other people seemed to treat you like you are but I can see you're just posing. You're scared as shit that people are gonna find out you ain't nothing but a big fucking pussy. A scared fucking pussy who ain't nothing but a big fish in a little pond too fucking scared and untalented to tread into the ocean. You're a fucking carp!

When: June 1st
Where: Rideau
I saw you Larry O'Brien, getting fat.

When: April 15
Where: bank st
Thanks a lot for walking into my broken wrist. I really appreciated the fact you kept on walking without saying sorry or stopping to see if I was all right.The only comfort I had for the rest of the day was that maybe my giant plaster had given you a bruise.

When: April 10th, 2009
Where: Downtown
I saw you being a presumptuous little bitch over the internet. You do not know me, you do not know my friends, and you do not know what goes on in our lives. Get your facts straight and your shit together. What you did was low and pathetic. My friends and I called you out on it and I hope you learn a lesson from all this.

When: Sunday morning
Where: Sandy Hill
You fucking gave me the worst news ever the day before I had to write an exam and pretty much ruined my summer... Now I'm scrambling to find a place to stay so I don't have to go home and see you every day. Thanks so much, you bastard, hope you enjoy your new girlfriend.

When: April 19th, 2009
Where: Downtown
I saw you breaking my heart this morning when you called to give me "big news": you're going to date her. I'll just have to keep reminding myself what a moody little bitch you can be... Guess I dodged a bullet. You've proven that you aren't half the man I always thought you were. It still hurts though.

When: Every Wednesday
Where Shakespeare Class
I saw you and I thought you were more lovely and more temperate.

When: April 20th
Where: Moxies Bayshore
I saw you: staring at my gapped tooth smile like it was a highway for your "chod bus" seed. Sure I work at Moxies but I'm not a whore....YET!

When: All the fucking time.
Where: All over Ottawa
I see you a lot. You are my friend, but you also happen to be a damn good catch. You're kind of seeing someone (maybe?), which blows. You've asked me before for my opinion in regards to random things about you (ie. your hair, your glasses, etc). I wish I could tell you that I like your: sense of humour, wit, face, intelligence, laugh, voice, jaw line, clothing, work, ass, ideas, etc.

When: April Fools Day
Where: Somerset and Kent
I saw you making a pathetic attempt to get my attention by yelling "Hey Honey, c'mere!" off your fancy condo balcony as I rode past on bike. What in the hell did you expect to happen? Me to jump off my bike, run up there and sit on your face?


When: A long time
Where: Here, there, everywhere
I saw you being my best friend and love of my life.You've proven that you would do anything for me and you know how much I love you, so what's the problem? You're a coward and I'm moving on. You don't care about that girl but I know why you're pretending to. Pathetic. She can't hold a candle to me and you know it. I would have been head over heels in love with you forever. You're still my best friend but that's it. You can't have both and I'm not fucking settling.

When: fall 2008
Where: starbucks
I saw you all the time. i served you, and you liked me. you pursued me... and now we're together. i just want you to know that i love you.

When: all the effing time
Where: starbucks
I saw you... and you creeped me out. months laters, you creep me out even more. get a coffee and leave, don't get a coffee and sit and stare at young employees for hours at a time. also, your eyes are oddly far apart, which adds to the aforementioned creepiness.

When: April 22nd
Where: Babylone’s
I saw you: Cruising some Fat Chick 'cause you wanted to get laid. That whole fat chick's put out more is bullshit, however "The bigger the cushion, the better the pushin'" is fact. I'm jealous.

When: Last week
Where: In the bus
I saw you at the bus stop. You pushed me to get in there first. I heard you screaming "bitch" to an old lady that tried to get out. I saw you push a kid to sit on his seat. I saw your "Francine" McDonald's tag. I think it's fair to say, Fuck you Francine, you're the bitch.

When: Around last call on the night of March 28th
Where: On Elgin, near Boushey's & that Crepe place.
You were selling hot dogs to us drunk kids. It was delicious and we were very glad to see some street meat on Elgin - even if you were pretty much selling it out of your truck. We also saw YOU, cabbies, not allowing food in your cabs. Hot dogs & cabs go together like popcorn & movies, so quit trying to spoil our fun & let me eat my sausage in your car.

When: After you were done work
Where: Waiting for Bus @ Rideau
You Looked great, definitely my style. had your headphones on so i didn't want to bother you, but i was really interested in what you were listening, maybe it was the same thing i was listening to.


When: Since we moved in.
Where: 330 Chapel St.
You live on the 6th floor. You stomp several miles a day in your apartment on your heels, and now you have Rock Band. It seems you think that nobody lives underneath you and that the floors are really, really thick or something. That is not the case. Would you please be more considerate of your downstairs, thesis-writing neighbours? We're really not the pounding-on-the-ceiling type. Yet.

When: April 23rd
Where: East Side Marios Bells Corners
I saw you: come into the bathroom eyeing up that middle urinal like it belonged to you. Where the FUCK do you get off violating pisser etiquette 101? Go back home to your baby sham & grampers. You probably shake more than twice any way! Go back home and masturbate in your snuggie!

When: Old Fart Hockey League
Where: KRC
I saw you: Pete, you were assessed 3 games. The ref called two 5 minute majors and a game misconduct so 3 games is fair based on that. The intent to injure major doesn't go over very well. Someday DIV 19 will let you back in the league!

When: April 22nd
Where: Drunk in parent's basement with a laptop
Spending money on a premium membership to the KISS army just so that you could be first in line for general admission tickets to the concert at the Ottawa Bluesfest.

When: April 21nd
Where: Morts in Bells Corners
I saw you at Morts: having a few beers, a sub with olives and onions and the free 3pm colon cleansing. I thought I would call you on your phone to make sure you were behaving yourself. Love Dad

When: Friday Night May 1st
Where : The Dirty Oak
You and our friend tried to come in and the "bouncer" wouldn't let you pass, cause you didn't have ID, I know your old enough, but seriously, I think that was his way of telling you the two of you were both hammered...

When: April 24th
Where: Queensway - Westbound near Bayshore
I saw you: You re-discovered 2 Live Crew and were plowing down the Queensway to "Face Down, Ass Up". You must be GAY.

When: April 20th
Where: Work...can't say where....shit place
I saw you: Microwaving hotdogs at 10am. You fat fuck....don't heat up that shit and let it sit for 2 hours stinking up the place before you eat them. I Fucking Hate You!
Who do you think you are? OSCAR FUCKING MAYER?!

When: Your afternoon shift
Where: Bridgehead corner of Bank & Gilmour
You with the funky hair and your pierced nose. I love when you pour my coffee but you don't know that I am fucking scared to talk to you. I would like to tell you that I like you and I can't wait for the next day to have my coffee and look at you.

When: April 24th
Where: In my rear view mirror
You were driving about 15ft behind me on the 417 at over 100kph, you fuckwitted cock-faced turd. If you want to taunt Mr Death because you have so little respect for your own sorry-ass life, do it in private you silly, selfish, syphilitic twat. Some of us folks with half a brain like living without car-crash injuries. Peace.

When: End of February
Where: Avant-Garde Bar
You were partying with a few people and at the end of the night you asked me if I wanted to come to a party at your place, on Nelson, on Saturday. I couldn't make it and we left it at that. I know you study communication at OttawaU, I think you said you were in your third year, but I didn't ask you your name. I still regret that up to this day. You should come back to the bar sometime!

When: This Weekend
Where: Larry Robinson Arean
I saw you: In the heart of Redneck Eastern Ontario, trying to organize a Men's GAY Hockey Team to sign up to the International Gay & Lesbian Ice Hockey Association. What the fuck have you been drinking? Get off the Bud Light, drink a real beer before the local KKK (Shroom Fest Mob) lynches you!

When: April 27, 5:50 p.m.
Where: Upfront, April 2009 Issue #32
I saw you in the I Saw You column complaining about the lights being left on at Lansdowne on Earth Day which you claimed to be March 28. I hate it when people don't think before they speak or simply don't know what they're talking about to begin with. Earth Day is April 22, douche.

When: April 30th
Where: Shithole Ottawa
Rushing home to save your marriage, but the visitations proceeded all day while you toiled (drank and womanized) at work! Haven't we had this conversation before!

When: March 7th
Where: That cool Martini Lounge on Elgin.
I saw you, you were pissed off that that handsome owner asked you to stop dancing on the table. Then got really mad when the Dj’s wouldn’t let you hook up your ipod or play three Modest Mouse songs in a row! As your friends were dragging you out kicking and screaming you said that it was sad that they hated music. I think it’s you who is sad, and that the Dj’s hate you. Get a life.

When: Continuously
Where: 240 Sparks Street (standing on the sidewalk wearing sandwich boards, harassing innocent people with your religious views on Abortion.
I’m the person walking on the east side of Bank with one hand in the air giving you the finger, and my other hand is grabbing my crotch. Go fuck yourself you condescending bastards! Any women brave enough to make such a difficult emotional decision should be given a medal of honour for not bringing another fucked-up piece of pussy-shit like you into this world.

When: 01 May 2009
Where: The lovely people behind the counter at Shafali caf in the market mall
Dear people who work there, I love your restaurant. Your food is absolutely amazing, and you all have cheery dispositions, esp. the guy at the cash. I especially love it when you play Bollywood movies at lunchtime. I love your food and your culture and your resto. I hope you all stick around forever.

When: March 2nd
Where: Ragtime Clothing.
I saw you kicking me out of your vintage clothing store for questioning your "check all bags at front" policy because I thought it was being used to discriminate towards guys with knapsacks. How am I going to shoplift when it's on my back anyway? Well, you ruined my afternoon.

When: Wed. March 4th 2009
Where: Connors Bars Bank St.
You were sitting at a table 5 feet from me and my friends. You complained about your "bland" nachos and expected your whole tab to be free. You're the kind of person that thinks the whole world owes you something. You have ridiculous tear tattoos on your face that you think make you look so tough. The female bartender treated you like you were god and I felt bad for her because she was just doing her job, I know she felt the same way. You wanted a pitcher of beer free but you were denied that... you said I'll pay my bill and go get drunk at The Royal Oak. I think you're a piece of shit and eventually things come around.. i thought it was funny when you were denied your free pitcher. I bet you were really embarrassed.. that's when I laughed out loud. I hope you went home disappointed and lonely that night like every other night.

When: A few weeks ago
Where: Coliseum
I saw you, and you were great, The Wrestler.
When: Now
Where: Downtown Ottawa
Roses are red,
your eyes are brown,
Fuck your blind date,
take me out on the town!

When: 2 months ago..
Where: World of Warcraft
I saw you being a 24 yr old douche-bag who lives at home with his mom watching the Y&R with her. You confessed your "love" to a young girl online from FLORIDA even though you were in a relationship for the past 2 years with the best girl you will ever get. You really are a dog.

When: Feb 25
Where: Uottawa
I saw you, masturbating in the middle of the computer lab thinking no one would be watching. Are you crazy?

When: March 7
Where: the pages of Upfront
You: dissing veganaise
Me: figuring you had a spoiled jar (or the substandard Nayonaise), as Veganaise is the vegan cum of God

When: march 11 2009
Where: riverside
You were trying to keep your hot boots out of the mud and i laughed and called you a poor girl

When: Everyday
Where: Place d’Orleans
I see you at the Virgin mobile booth, with your silly hair and your tight ass. My friend says you’re gay... please?
And you’re really nice... can you be nice to me in bed?

When: St. Patrick's Day
Where: Westboro Station
I saw you peeing at the bus stop while your friend screamed at you, calling you a whore. I then saw you wipe pee off the bottom of your purse. You are one classy lady.

When: March 11, 10:30AM
Where: Rideau Medical
The waiting room in the Rideau Medical Center was packed. And at one end of the room were you with your two screaming kids wailing in a horrible unison for at least 30 minutes. Please do us all a favor and stop procreating; you’re obviously not very good at it.

When: March 11, 10:45AM
Where: Rideau Medical
You strolled into the Rideau Medical with a look far too cheery to be a patient, and you weren’t. While everyone sat bored out of their minds you informed the nurse you had free drug samples for the doctor and would like to see him. Despite being told the doctors were very busy, you giddily chirped "That’s OK!" and found your own way to his office to wait and push your product. Please take as many of your own samples as you can fit in your mouth, and die.


When: March 19th
Where: 1042 Aldea
You walked in the house with your shoes on, you do it every time, you ass

When: March 16th- 6:45pm
Where: Rideau St. LCBO
I saw you actually try and steal a can of beer directly out of a carrier box a woman was holding while waiting for the bus in front of the LCBO on Rideau St. She saw you, called you on it, and then two large gentlemen that were passing by grabbed you and made your sorry ass give it back to her. Bravo.

When: March 17th
Where: Steve's Music
I was looking for an amp which neither you or any of your co-workers had heard of. Not only that but while waiting to get your half-assed attention, I had to listen to you bragging to some jack-off guitar nerd about how you shave your own mullet, and that you don't even need a mirror anymore. Really? That's the kind of shit you decide you need to say out loud?

When: April 27
Where: Ottawa Courthouse
I can’t wait to see you, Larry O’Brien, on your way to court. Are you really still our mayor, fuckhead? Can we impeach you yet?

When: March 21
Where: Your house in Hull
I saw you at your birthday party, drunk and stoned. You kept acting gay and took it too far, not letting go of your brother’s friend who was there with his girlfriend. Awkward. Something tells me you’re outgrowing your closet – maybe it’s time to come out, big boy.

When: March Break
Where: Everywhere
I saw you, high schoolers, enjoying your March Break and doing a whole lot of nothing. God I wish I was 16 again, except maybe a little smarter.

When: March 24th
Where: Royal Oak Downtown
You were bartending on a dead monday night. you looked so hot. i’ll see you in bed later...

When: March 24th
Where: Babylon
You're a pretty big deal, yet you took the time to stop and talk to me and try to help me with a project. Not many people do that shit anymore. It's appreciated.

When: First week of March
Where: All over the place
I saw you with the fourth guy in like four days. Get your fucking shit together girl, or start charging money and call it how it is.


When: March 17
Where: Tabaret Hall
I saw you student protesters. You were yelling that “Grades Hurt. Stop the Pain.” If university is so painful, drop out and get a job. Or kill yourself. It’s all the same to me – just save us from your idiocy.

When: March 17th
Where: LaBretton St..
You are a burly dude with a long pony tail. You were carrying some sort of bundle while walking with a woman. You asked her if she speaks Farsi so I was able to deduct that you didn't really know her. I think you may have been carrying something for a stranger and I think that is nice.

When: March 25th
Where: My house
I saw you at my house and you need a support network right now more than ever. I'll be that network just move in.

When: March 22nd
Where: Chez Lucienne
You were in the basement. You are a painting. You have words on you. I can't remember what they said but I think the "piece" is a "piece" of shit.

When: March 25th
Where: The Beer Store on Sommerset in Centertown.
I saw you behind me in line complaining that "none of the hot bitches are working". I'm happy for them that they don't have to deal with you two knuckle draggers.

When: Friday March 27th, 3:15 pm
Where: Baseline Rd
Listen assholes: 3:15 is NOT rush hour. There is no traffic, and there certainly isn't someone in front of you, so why the fuck are you driving so slow?!
My work day ends at 3pm and I take the same drive home every day and there is always 3 or 4 assholes who think that since it is the end of the workday, they must lollygag around the city.
I prefer to go speed limit or 10 km over, not 20 under. Baseline is a 70 km/h road after Greenbank going west. I felt I had to mention that since no one goes 70 km/h (but, of coarse, me. And you, Silver Dodge Ram, you're cool.)
Call me road-rage-y but I am sick of driving behind you, Slow Driver In The Passing Lane and beside you Rolling Road Blocker.
So, Thank you for ruining my day.

When: March 1st
Where: Babylon
I saw you throwing yourself at one of the bartenders. Please, you little ho, no one will ever care about you more than you care about yourself and that is about as transparent as your shirt.

When: March 28th, 9:00 pm
Where: Lansdowne
Of all the days of the year to have the lights on over a covered field... really... earth day?

When: March 29
Where: Raw Sugar
You got me and my buddy coffee and it was super good. You were also very nice and it seems you have a good meter as far as character judgement goes.

When: March 28
Where: Chinese restaurant
I saw you eating with your family. It was nice. We were the only nonAsians in the joint and I stared at you a lot. You were scooping food into your mouth with your chopsticks. The bowl was right against your chin as you fed yourself. The only thing I could think is that people of Western European dissent are way too conservative .

When: Three years ago
Where: Bells Corners liquour store
You were hot and I thought about approaching you but I figured you were way out of my league. Then I realized I had dated you before and my self loathing was cranked up a notch.

When: last month
Where: upfront
I saw you on the cover of upfront last month.
You: Necking with another chick
Me: Wishing I had two dicks.

When: Feb 7th
Where: Walking west on Somerset
You were yelling that that particular day would hereby be known as "National Throw a Snowball at a Bus Day" while gathering snow in your homeless hand. I also saw you pussy out of throwing that ball of snow just after we passed you.

When: January 9th
Where: Carleton U
I Saw you today. You gave me the same look as you passed - the same look you gave me when I saw you on Elgin St. on Hallowe'en, as my girlfriend pulled on my leash as we went to dinner. Does it make you sad to know I have more fun than you?

When: January 31st
Where: Ottawa U basketball game
I watch you play basketball and I've stalked you in the Rideau Street Loblaws. You are a 6'9" wonder. I think we made eye contact. I think I peed myself when it happened.

When: Friday Feb 13th
Where: The Arrow and Loon
You were barefoot straddling some hairy dude on a bar stool. You smiled, I puked in my mouth a little bit. Thanks.


When: Summer 2008
Where: Mod Club Ottawa
It was only 9:30 and you were trying to get the dancefloor happening before it was supposed to happen. You're not cool, you're not a trendsetter and I hope you realized that when the blow wore off and nobody else was dancing.

When: Every couple of weeks for the past year
Where: My Friend's House
I know you're my friend's cousin and you're off limits but I really want to fuck you again.

When: February 20
Where: In Front of Farm Boy in Kanata
You had your thumb out and then gave us the finger because we wouldn't pick you up. I'm just wondering if that tactic worked for you during the bus strike.

When: Mornings Mon-Fri from spring-fall '08
Where: Bridgehead on Elgin
You served me coffee almost every day. I have a crush on you. I don't live in that neighborhood anymore and I miss my morning fix.

When: January '09
Where: The Dirty Dom
Josh, I know you read this. You tricked me into touching your dick when I was drunk and I think that was a dick move. No pun intended.
When: October '08
Where: Book Market on Dalhousie
I saw you stealing paperbacks. I even called you out on it and you tried to justify yourself. I can't believe I fucked you. I hope you got a paper cut from that book.

When: February 12
Where:#5, Rideau Centre
I saw you, Mr. Bus Driver, get up out of your seat and go to the back door to yell at a teenaged passenger. You made him get off and come in again through the front door, even though buses were still free. Did you miss power-tripping while you were on strike?

When: February 7
Where: Ottawa International Airport
I saw you yelling at your boyfriend for leaving your jackets at the hotel in Mexico. From the looks of it, you didn’t let up for the whole plane ride home, and probably even the entire trip. Were you really surprised when he got into a cab and left the airport without you?

When: Way too often
Where: Elgin Street
I saw you with your piercings, pink hair and skinny little-sister jeans, haunting Elgin like a new-wave ghost. You’re almost 60, for fuck’s sake! You’re supposed to evolve as you age, not get stuck in the same ugly rut you fell into when you were 17. Not even Iggy Pop can pull it off anymore!


When: February 16
Where: Snug Pub
It was Family Day, but all of us were avoiding our kin when I saw you ask the waitress to pull down the big screen so we could watch the Cardiff vs Arsenal soccer match. Thanks – it would’ve sucked crowding around the bar to watch a tiny monitor. By the way, I also saw you cheering Cardiff. Too bad they played the worst game of their career.

When: February 14
Where: NAC
I saw you getting married on Valentine's Day. A sweet gesture, and it was refreshing to see such a hot girl escape the trap of shallowness and marry a fat bastard. Sure, it's nice now, but I give you 10 years until you're just as 'substantial' as he is.

When: February 18th
Where: Around 3pm in the Byward Market.
You were walking around the place like you owned it, with large annoyed looking guys in bad suits pushing people out of the way for you. Apparently some people told you you're kind of a big deal, but really...all that for some fried dough and a couple of cookies?

When: February 18th
Where: Around 4pm in the Byward Market.
You were doing a series of interviews with giddy journalists in your Moulin De Provence bakery about a new get rich scheme that fell into your lap. Overcharging the masses for the most generic looking edible tourist swag in the Market? Yes we can.

When: February 23rd
Where: Airport in Charlotte, North Carolina
I saw you mashing a Philly Cheesesteak sandwich and it made me fucking sick. Shame. This is what's wrong with America, eat a fucking vegetable dirt bag.

When: February 21st
Where: Raw Sugar
I saw you standing by the book case, wanting to be seen on "the scene", you were bobbing your head to the music yawning the whole time. Nice try, hipster.

When: February 21st
Where: Maverick's
I saw you Mr. Bouncer. You threw my friend out for no apparent reason. I know he's a dick but there is no way you could have realized it so fast.

When: February 19th
Where: Irene's
I saw you talking about history. I don't know if anyone has told you this before but the Weimar Republic isn't that interesting. Although, it does share several of the characteristics of our current Harper Republic. Next time I'll introduce myself and we'll talk about it.

When: February 21st
Where: The Manx
I saw you talking to a group of riveted people about a vacation you just took to the far East. I'm no doctor but you look like you might be dying of some sort of "bug".

When: February 17th
Where: On the 14 bus.
I saw you and you were driving the bus. You were far too jovial and chatty. We could all see right through your attempt at making up for lost time.

When: February 6th
Where: Rideau St.
I saw you riding your bike, soaking wet. I just wanted to hug you and hold you until you were warm and dry and not so fucking stupid.

When: February 9th
Where: Hartman's Grocery Store at Bank and Sommerset
I saw you playing the piano while I was grocery shopping. I think you are wonderfully talented. I think you need a larger stage. I think you also could use a shower.

When: February 14th
Where: On Bank Street near 5th Avenue
I saw you on your own on Valentine's Day. You weren't REALLY alone but I could tell you weren't into the gay guy you were with. I want you to know you are WAY too beautiful to be alone so next time I see you I'm going to introduce myself. I was the guy with no gloves and the lingering smile.

When: February 14th
Where: Irene's Pub
I watched you leave a quarter on the bar after buying a drink. Learn how to fucking tip... She didn't shit in your Cheerios did she?

When: Family Day
Where: The Liquor Store on Isabelle
I saw you yelling at your kid on Family Day infront of the Liquor Store. A real Rockwell moment if I ever saw one.

When: February 19th
Where: Parliament Hill
I saw you Barrack Obama... tying up traffic.

When: February 4th
Where: Laurier and O'Connor
I saw you and I think you were walking back to work after lunch. You were wearing beige dress pants and heels. You have great hips.


When: February 12th
Where: The Wild Oat
I saw you and your dread locks laughing in the alley. Your laugh is even more ridiculous than your hair-do but, somehow you pull it off.

When: February 8th
Where: Bus Stop at Gladstone and Bell
I saw you. You were drunk and complaining about spies in your building. You either have to start to remember to take your meds or learn to know when someone is freaked out by your company.

When: February 17th
Where: In front of the Dirty Oak.
I saw you playing songs on your guitar. Yes I'm impressed that you can play slide guitar with one arm. I was more impressed the first four-thousand times you played for me though.

When: Too Often this Month
Where: MacLeod Street
Is my broom handle hole in the ceiling or new fist mark in the wall as of March 1st 12:40 in the morning not telling you that My Bloody Valentine has recorded more than the album Loveless for Christ's sake?
Try taking your sub up off of the floor or turning it down after 10pm most of us call that common sense.

When:: January 10th
Where: Sandy Hill
I saw you smash my neighbour's front door in at 3 am, screaming that you were going to kill her. When you finally broke in, you realized that you were so drunk that you were in the wrong house - yours was a block away. The look of shame on your face as you tried to clean up the glass the next morning with a hangover was priceless.

When:: January 17th
Where: Hooley’s
I saw you wearing a sexy miniskirt, walking outside. Didn't you know it's friggin' winter? You looked both hot enough for a hard-on (mine) and cold enough for chapped lips (yours).

When:: January 5th
Where: Glebe and Bank
I saw you dragging your dog, the leash stretched by your impatient and angry pulling. I don't think you've got what it takes to raise a pet.

When: January 9th
Where: Bronson and the 417 off ramp thingy
I saw you pointing your fingers at rush hour traffic like a gun. You were pretty wasted on several things at once, and when you teetered and went "bang" at the car right in front of you, I saw the passengers inside wince like it was a real weapon.


When: January 13th
Where: Ottawa U
I saw you being loaded into an ambulance after you and your friend thought it would be a fun idea to bring your chemistry experiment into the lunch room.

When: January 16th
Where: Ottawa U.
I saw you leaving your job in shame because the big bosses were completely unimpressed with your tenure in senior management. By the way, all of us knew that you had fucked up.

When: January 21st
Where: Ottawa U.
I saw you uselessly attempting to teach a Communications class at Ottawa U. It shouldn't have been complicated stuff, but none of us could understand you - what the fuck were you talking about? This is Communications, for chrissake!

When: December 4 2009
Where: the Dominion Tavern
You knew my name. You said you saw me on a mutual friend's facebook and you loved the work I was doing. You told me that you think I'm hot. I thought you were creepy so I didn't take your number. I haven't had sex in a while... now I wish I had your number. Feel free to facebook stalk me again.. Maybe we could do some inappropriate touching.


When: January 20th
Where: Carlton U.
I saw you heckling the military recruitment officers. Asshole. What are you willing to put your life on the line for?

When: July '08
Where: In a cab
You: Cab driver Me: drunk with my friends in your cab. "It's Magic" by Pilot came on the radio and we all started singing along, including you. Is it just me, or did we have a moment?

When:: November 2008
Where: Lincoln Fields Bus Stop
You wore deep purple velour track pants, a fedora, a blazer and you walked with a cane, though it didn't look like you needed it. You were waiting on the westbound side. I was just wondering if you are a real pimp. You were on my turf.

When: October '08
Where: Bank and Sunnyside
You: 50 something woman with a mohawk, piercings and leather pants. Me: The fashion police. You're wanted for crimes against everyone with functional eyes.

When: January '09
Where: Nepean
You left a box of old magazines on the curb for pickup. I looked in the box and they were all old copies of Penthouse so I took them home with me. When I looked through them I found polaroids of a penis tucked into one of the rags. Do you want your dick pictures back?

When: August '08
Where: Elgin st
We met around 3am on Elgin st, both of us were drunk. You came over to my place and we had bad drunken sex. I'm sorry I kicked you out of my apartment afterwards. You gave me a UTI and I would kind of like for you to pay me back for those anti-biotics... oh and the lamp you knocked over. It was a gift (The lamp, not the UTI)

When: Monday Feb 01, 2009
Where: Bank & Fourth
You were in your SUV, pretending to be unaware that you were blocking the intersection. I was in the green Subaru trying to cross Bank Street. You pretended not to see me trying to maneuver around your truck. Just wanted to say, “Fuck you, you fuckin gypsie ass-fucking donkey.”

When: January 24th
Where: On a train between Toronto and Ottawa
I saw you shouting into your cell phone disturbing everyone around you including myself. You were trying to sound important setting up meetings and repeating times and places. I just wanted you to know that everyone within earshot could tell you are nothing more than a dumb, blonde, self-involved princess.

When: February 1st
Where: Tailgators
I saw you crying after the football game. There is no way you were that big a fan of either team. I assume you didn't cover the spread. Get well soon... I hope your legs heal up nicely.

When: January 21st
Where: Manx Pub
I saw you staring at my girlfriend and I across the bar and snickering with your buddies. I know she is out of my league but she doesn't realize it yet. Have some fucking respect.

When: January 30th
Where: My place of employment
I saw that I was scheduled to work just a few shifts. I wish you would just fire me.

When: January 14th
Where: Lieutenant's Pump
I saw you looking at me from across the room. At first I thought it was because you thought I needed another drink, but then I realized that you were watching me smile. That's either creepy or nice. In this case I think it was nice:)


When: January 31st
Where: On Fallowfield between Eagleson and Richmond
I saw you with three pickups in the ditch. Two of you were trying to push them out with beers in your hands. I just wanted to let you know you're a bunch of douchebags.

When: January 31st
Where: Infusion Bistro
I saw you walk into my restaurant thinking you were entering Von's. You walked from the back to the front before realizing your error. In an attempt to escape you tried to open the front door. Mistaking the lock for a door knob you proceeded to lock yourself in. I felt sorry for you because you looked like something out of the Night of the Living Dead so I escorted you out the back door. I ceased to feel sorry for you when you treated me like some sort of second class citizen.

When: January 4th
Where: Infront of Quinn's on Bank St.
I saw you and you complemented me on my new haircut. I still want to fuck you.

When: January 3rd
Where: My Bed
I saw you lying next to me and you told me you hate me. I'm beginning to believe you.


When: January 6th
Where: Cyberspace
I saw that you messaged me for the first time in three years. I just couldn't bring myself to reply. But I want you to know that if you're in, I'm in.

When: January 7th
Where: Sommerset and Booth
I saw you fly by my waving arm in your taxi and pick someone else up. Was it because I'm Jewish?

When: January 23rd
Where: Manx Pub
I saw you and you looked sad. I tried to make you feel better because that's what you would do for me. Unfortunately the people around us wouldn't stop talking about bullshit.

When: January 16th
Where: A party
I saw you snorting scads of coke of your coffee table. I think you are a great person, you're funny and fun and of nimble mind. Please quit having these Columbian themed parties they turn you into a bitch.

When: January 20th
Where: The Mirror
I saw you naked and I think you're getting fat. Not just fat but skinny fat. Gross. Please lay off the chocolate and rock a sit-up or two.


When: January 11th
Where: On my couch
I saw you sitting across from me, trying to get into my pants, and the medium you attempted to use to achieve said goal was quoting Buddha. Your coffee table zen and peace mongering made me want to take your flaccid cock and shove it down your throat.

When: Always
Where: On my couch.
I saw you on my couch, in my kitchen, in my living room and at my fucking computer of all things. You are my room-mate's boyfriend and you've over stayed your welcome.

When: February 2nd
Where: On my T.V.
I saw you Bryan Murray trying to pass the buck again. Wake up to the fact that you have no clue how to build or tear down a team and just step down.

When: January 23rd
Where: Elgin St. Diner
I saw you and you were wasted. You were rude to your server and I saw that you left a shitty tip. This being said, those failures are not what totally concerns me. I was watching you eat out of the corner of my eye as you doused your poutine with ketchup. That, my friend, is both vile and unforgivable even if it is vegetable gravy.